I have been in hibernation for more than a year now. But now am ready to shatter some moulds that caged me. And with this new-found freedom, am feeling on top of the world. So here I am. Doing what I love doing best. Sharing my experiences with you. So that you don’t make the same mistakes that I did.
I grew up in an apartment which was on the first floor of a tall building. So am used to living closer to the ground. After I got married , I had to shift to an apartment which was on the 6th floor. I somehow never really enjoyed living on a higher floor. And so until recently, I always avoided high-rise apartments or buildings. But then the universe has a way of putting us into situations where we need to overcome our fears and inhibitions. And so it was with me. When I was promoted as the Branch Manager, my office was on the top most floor of the famous Mittal Towers at Nariman Point in Mumbai. I never enjoyed my tenure there. No, I don’t think that I was afraid of heights per se , but surely did not like them either.
And then again, a few months ago, I had the opportunity to attend a mega event on a professional level in Sri Lanka. And as luck would have it my hotel room was on the 26th floor of the hotel building. Oh dear God ! I know some people would consider it a privilege but for me, it was not much of an attraction. I stood there, in front of the large, floor to ceiling, glass window of the room and looked down at the city. It looked small, tiny in fact. I stood there feeling uncomfortable with the height at which I was. I had to leave the room. I couldn’t be there. I went out and just kept on walking. Blindly walking away from the room I ended up on a higher floor, onto the roof top. Ironic as it may seem, the more we try to resist something, the more it persists in our life. Coming to terms with this realisation, I scanned where I had arrived. It was the roof top swimming pool overlooking the entire city of Colombo and the Arabian Sea, on the, not so far horizon. Dear God. It was a beautiful sight to behold and yet I felt so shaken from within. A strange quivering disturbed me at the gut level. I wondered why am I not happy with this view ? Anyone would kill to be in my place. So why am I not enjoying this? I wanted the feeling of unrest to just go away. I just wanted to love the view and the revel in the fact that I was so frigging lucky to be here.
“What is it that is stopping me ?” , I asked myself. I prodded my psyche. Being a therapist and a healer these questions come to me as a second nature now. I have for years been asking these questions in my day-to-day practice, of my clients. So why should be an exception to this rule? What is life all about anyways ? Getting over our inhibitions, healing our fears and shortcomings, shooting in the dark with faith, learning the life lessons offered by our experiences and moving on to the next level of evolution as a being of Light. So as therapists and healers, we sometimes need to use the therapeutic techniques on ourselves too. And this certainly was one of those times when I needed to administer some self-healing.
So yeah.. As I delved deeper into my own sub conscious mind, it became apparent that I indeed had a fear of heights. But it wasn’t about physical heights. Like I said before, I faintly disliked being at a height but never feared it as such. The discomfort apparently seemed to come from my fear of being at a high position in my life. It realised it was a metaphor for something else that was hidden deep with my subconscious. So began my journey into my own subconscious mind and I asked myself.. when was the first time I felt like I had fallen down from a great height ? Sitting there in a meditative pose, this question brought on a rapid flash back. The film of my life went into a reverse gear. Going back in time, across my many ages in this lifetime, I hit upon the first incident wherein I had felt that I had FALLEN from a great height. My subconscious mind took me back to the time, when I was in my 20s and had just found out that my boyfriend then had been cheating on me. I was hopelessly in love. I was so blinded by my love for him that I thought he could do no wrong. But I was mistaken. He betrayed my trust. I think, I might have even secretly worshipped him, like kept him on a pedestal, akin to god-like. So what happens when you realise your God was not worthy of your devotion ? You just kick yourself , feel stupid and humiliated and yeah… depressed. But I got over it pretty soon. Thanks to his apologies and charming reassurances. So after the incident, I rationalised with my self at a conscious level. I bought peace for myself with the magnanimous thought that he is only human and that I should forgive him. And I did, so we continued our relationship. But apparently, my subconscious wasn’t satisfied with the resolution. and it obviously continued to live in distress. Worse still, it had arrived at some unhealthy conclusions for itself. You see, I had fallen from a height of trust. In fact I felt like I had been pushed from up there into a deep valley of deceit, cheating and betrayal. So my subconscious mind held on to the fear of falling down from a height. Not a physical height . But a high point of happiness, comfort and faith.
Once I had come to this realisation, a lot of things then started to fall in place. This incident had obviously shaken my very core. Further on as I continued to watch the film of my life in flashback, I found that there were many more such incidents in various forms that had destroyed my belief in myself. The underlining belief of my subconscious mind created and manifested more of such incidents in my life thereon and thereafter. Further meditation on the issue brought forward many similar kind of incidents. Situations such as when I was ridiculed. Incidents when I was made to feel small and stupid. Conversations that killed my confidence. People that hated my guts. People who were jealous of my good fortune. So I constantly hid myself . You see, I was afraid of being praised because due to my negative experiences, I constantly expected to be ridiculed soon after the praise. It felt safer to stay out of the limelight. Surely if I didn’t climb up any high point, there would be no danger of falling , right? And ironically, the more I feared the negatives, the more I got of the same. I was evidently caught in a vicious circle of self rejection of my own doing and the same being mirrored from the outside world.
So then I slowly opened my eyes and looked across the cool blue pool, further beyond, at the expansive, never-ending sea with its beautiful waves lapping up to the point where the sky bowed down to meet it at the horizon. I saw it all so clearly now. I realised that it was not just a dislike of physical heights but a greater fear of any kind of “high” in life. This fear made me underplay my good qualities. I shied away from being the centre of attraction. I always stayed in the background. I let other people take the credit for my good work. I even pooh poohed any compliments I might have received. I never appreciated myself. As a result, I started feeling that I was not good enough. I had lost all my self-confidence and had a pathetic self-image. In short I hid myself under a rock ! Of course over the years, I have worked on myself and made myself capable, competent and resourceful. And being armed with so many degrees, qualifications and skill sets I ought to feel on top of the world, right ? But THAT is exactly what was not happening. So that day, up there on the terrace of that high-rise building, looking at the magnificent city stretched for miles, merging with the sea, I finally understood why. Owing to my past experiences with life and people, I had been hiding myself fin my shell, because I HAD A FEAR OF BEING SUCCESSFUL.
Becoming aware of a problem is like half the job done. Healing thus can be said to have begun. The other half is then about stepping out of your comfort zone and embracing the new-found reality. And that’s exactly what I did. I embraced my greatness. I acknowledged my good qualities. I am now, no more afraid to be in the lime light. And the more I affirmed in my new found, confident status, the more I rise up in life. I got more and more opportunities to become even more resourceful and successful. Not just for myself but for my loved ones, my family, my friends and everyone who would like to take advantage of the goodness that I have to share. I am happy spread the joy of living. Am happy to share my success with others. Am no more afraid of heights. I am ready to become bigger and better. I feel recharged with a new energy . A new zest for life. A new faith in the unknown. Am ready to dream. Am ready to take risks to fulfil those dreams. . And finally, I feel, I am free to be myself and live up to my full potential. Embracing your own greatness, is a mind-blowing, liberating feeling. The sea, the land , the sky….I can look beyond each horizon. I can see the brightness on the other side of the tunnel. Am ready to walk my life path with purpose and determination. No holds barred.
I AM READY FOR MY GREATNESS. And I AM, INDEED, READY TO FLY !!!